melodramatic

so, in this desert life, i think ive found some growth. i was reading my previous posts and it seems like i'm incredibly melodramatic. its actually sortof obnoxious. its bad when you dont even like yourself sometimes. or maybe its just that i dont like the person i used to be. ive reinvented myself since the army has gotten ahold of me. and i like the person i've made myself. i guess happiness is a choice. you have to chose to be happy with yourself and your curent situation. but thats not to say that you shouldn't always strive for a better situation... anyway, back to life in iraq.

ignorance

so my teammate and i were on a road that we've been driving for 4 months now, and he still needs me to navigate for him. how fucking stupid can you be? after 4 months of driving the exact same roads you'd think the idiot would at least have a general idea of where he's going. ignorance is a social disease. it seems to be an epidemic among the american people. but its also a choice. one can make the choice not to be ignorant. so just say no. just say no to ignorance.

i have no clue

why is it that when we try to get things to work, they seem to blow up in our faces and when we don't try at all we have the most success? i can't read her mind. i don't know why she is acting like this. hell, she doesn't even know. so i try to be sensitive and caring and it's like yelling at the wind. useless. and then to further complicate matters, my ex popped back up as well as someone who i thought i had lost...
nothing is certain but death and taxes.
probus nox

new thoughts

so there i was, completely unprepared for the events that lead up to this. she had been in front of me for years. the last three to be exact. how did i not know that everything i would ever need was right in front of me? i guess it could be linked to my ego... my constant quest for something better. my everpresent thought that i might be able to do better. my thought that i might miss something great. but then i realized that unless i took a chance on somthing, i would end up with nothing. it's funny how the girl who i never would've thought that i would date again, has become my best friend, my lover, my everything. so here's to my future, my ambition, and our dreams..
Probus Nox

honesty

why is it that when our lives are going the best, we always feel like we should do something to ruin it? is it that we don't have our own permission to be happy? or is it that we feel that we don't deserve happiness. i have the best girlfriend in the whole world. she loves sports, she likes my friends, she loves my family, she is totally committed to me but for some reason i still try to find a reason to be unhappy. in other news, i actually started college. i also found motivation to attend. my motivation? becoming an officer in the U.S. military and flying their helicopters. if i can focus on the thought of flight, i can make it through college. the biggest obstacle to my success? myself.....
probus nox

a certain way

life is great. (insert sarcasm) holly wants to jump my bones but she has a boyfriend. sarah wants me to go out with her but she lives in florida. rachel wants a relationship but she is in idaho. the woman i want is married and has died as i know her. i thought that when i got out of high school my life would be different. this is the same type of drama and bullshit that i have experienced when in high school. will the madness never cease? i was hoping that i could rise above this type of existence. maybe i should volunteer to go to the desert with my comrades. at least over there i would only have to worry about getting shot or blown up. the simple life. i am on a quest for meaning. the search continues

"my heart bleeds no more"

ok, so there i was... i was getting out of my work truck when i got the phone call. it was Her. i couldn't help but get weak at the knees and i could hardly keep the excitement out of my voice as i answered the phone. so we talked for an hour. she told me all about her life in the last 3 years. she has a husband who is abusive, she has a son and she is never happy. it breaks my heart to see her beautiful spirit crushed by an unfeeling s.o.b. who can't be a man enough to stop taking drugs and support his family. it was during this talk, i realized that i am in love with a married woman. it is so hard to give her advice about her relationship without having an alterior motive. but i never should have let her get away. if she leaves him, and she continues to show interest i would get together with her. i just want her to be happy. even if that means her staying with her husband. i think that is the true meaning of love, is for the person you love to be happy, no matter how it may tear your heart out. i think that as long as i can see a smile on her face then my heart will have a smile. playing the role of sensitive best friend is very hard when you have the desire to be more than friends. probus nox.